Humor

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

  • Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

  • A day without sunshine is like, night.

  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.

  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

  • I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

  • You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

  • I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.

  • Remember half the people you know are below average.

  • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

  • Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.

  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

  • I intend to live forever - so far so good.

  • Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

  • Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

  • Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

  • The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

  • Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

  • For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.

  • Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

  • The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

  • The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

  • The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability reach it.

  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

  • To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.

  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

  • The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  • Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

  • Get a new car for you spouse - it'll be a great trade!

  • Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

  • Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

  • If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

  • How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

  • Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

  • If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.